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Fav. Quote:
I hope life isn't one big joke because, I don't get it.
FUNNIEST VID EVER (it takes a lil while to d/l but totally worth it!): http--www.members.cox.net-impunity-endofworld.swf
Funny Quotes
"Bye!Don't let the door hit ya where the good lord spilt ya!"
"Smile, Be happy :)"
"If your parents didn't have children, chances are, you won't either."
"Where there is no patrol car, there is no speed limit."
"Say it, don't spray it (I want the news not the weather!)"
"Don't hate me cause I'm beautiful, hate me cause your boyfriend thinks so!!!"
"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise"
"If you ever need a friend ... buy a dog"
"If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight"
"The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it is unfamiliar territory"
"Never hit a man with glasses; Hit him with a baseball bat" (that one might take a while to get... if ur like me! LOL)
"Is it good if a vacuum really sucks? "
"'They told me I was gullible...and I believed them!'"
"The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves."
"I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house."
"Never say "Oops" in the operating room."
"No Trespassing: Violators will be shot, survivors will be shot again"
"7 days without candy, makes one weak."
"Salesmen welcome, dog food is expensive!"
"Illiterate? Write today for free help!"
"Auto Repair Service: Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again!"
"What do you get from a pampered cow?......... Spoiled Milk :P" (It's Iowa... I had to!)
"What's the difference between Roast Beef and Pea Soup?..... Anyone can Roast Beef..."
"No coffee...no workee"
"When a clock's hungry, it goes back four seconds."
"A lot of money is tainted, it taint mine and it taint yours."
"Jesus Saves... at Thrifty Mart"
"I was once arrested for assult at a toy company, battery not included."
"Unless your my panties, stay off my butt!" (On a bumper sticker)
"Hermits have no peer pressure"
"It's like deja vu all over again"
"Lips that touch liquor, touch other lips quicker."
"42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot."
"Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?"
"You've used up all your coupons, and all you've got left if me." (No Doubt- 'Underneath It All')
"Those noisy cocroaches." (My grams jokin about her neighbors, guess u had 2 be there)
"Only in America, do banks leave both doors open, then chain the pens to the counters."
"Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."
"I'm right 90% of the time, so why worry the other 3%?"
"Hey baby you like fine cookin'? Cause you know what? I got a Swanson's dinner in the freezer with your name on it." (-Jimmy Fallon 'Idiot Boyfriend')
"Even if you aren't voting for me, it's important to vote. I encourage everyone to go out and vote, even if it's not for me or anyone else." - Iowa Senator Tom Harkin (:D Gotta luv the people who represent our states, you may have to read through it a few times...?)
"If you don't have anything nice to say about anyone... come sit next to me."
"If we don't succeed, we run into the risk of failure." - President George Bush (who else.. yup all together now... DUH!)
"Suicide Hotline... please hold."
"As I said before, I don't repeat myself.."
"Hey Ref! If you had one more eye you'd be cyclopse" (Obnoxious but funny dude behind us at the Vikes game)
"My head is like a box of nerds, the grape side is the music side which is always bangin on the guitar, the cherry side is always working on the words."- John Mayer (Yeah, not hilarious but it's John Mayer, I couldn't resist! :D )
"It's romance in a 'let's play doctor' sort of way." - John Mayer (describing 'Your Body Is A Wonderland' song)
"If you can read this, you're over qualified to work at Wal Mart." -(on a shirt)
"I may be dumb, but your ugly, and I can go back to school."
"I used up all my sick days, so I called in dead."
"Heck is for people who don't believe in Gosh."
"Do vegitarians eat animal crackers?"
Me: 'Well bust open the champagne!'
Brit S.: (turns around when she hears champagne)
Me: 'Wut? U like the sound of champagne'
Brit S.: No, I thought you said my last name, anytime anyone says an S word I think it's my last name.
(okay, so the CH *sounds* like S I know, but it was just funny...)
BBall Announcer: "The Hawks are down by a half a dozen."
Me: "Why didn't he just say 6 points?"
My Gram: "What the heck's he talkin bout, eggs?"
"Hey hey you're afraid, wet your pants with lemonade."
"The cd dropped in the tub of cool whip. Oh no now it's gonna play the cool whip song!" (My Gram)
Me: 'I got 2morrow off, what are we gonna do?'
My Gram: 'Well we could go to a peace rally... get arrested... spend the day in jail...'
Me: 'Sounds like a plan!'
"Georgie, Poorgie, Puddin Pie, I don't care how high your approval rating is, you still look like a confused muppet, no lie" (Quote about Pres. Bush)
"(While we're drivin we see a dude with a bag)
Mr. Robertson: 'Think that guy's homeless?'
Me: 'He coulda just did his laundry.'
Meg: 'But he didn't fold his clothes..'
Mr. Robertson: 'The keyword there is GUY' "
"When I was born, I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half."
"(After a really really close bball game) Announcer: 'We pause for commercial identification and heart recessitation' "
"Don't play stupid with me, I'm better at it."
Ms Ward (while there's murders on the lose in Iowa): 'I just hope they don't car jack me and make me late for work.'
My Gram: (after my frog's been croaking for a long time) "Maybe he needs a mate, why don't you go show him that picture of that guy in his underwear? He's probably gay."
My Gram: "I didn't get any gas from those beans tonight, probably because they were so ground up, there were no farts left in them."
My Gram: "I got bit by a mosquito in the dollar store."
Me: "The dollar store!?! Go figure!"
My Gram: "If I get that west nile, I'm gonna sue the store!"
My Gram: "I wish I had her hair, and she had my good looks, we'd both be tickled!"
Me: "R u gonna give blood when you're 17?"
Meg: "Yeah, I am are you?"
Me: "You are!?! I'm not! :o "
Meg: "I figured you wouldn't, but hey, free cookie!"
My Mom: I have 5 powerball tickets I bought for last Saturday night's drawing I forgot were out in the truck.....if I won, and I worked today, I'm gonna be mad.
My Gram: "I wanna see that Jesus movie"
News Reporter On The News: "A woman collapsed and died while watching 'The Passion Of Christ' today."
My Gram: "I aint gonna see it!"
Brent (while we're shoppin): "Dude! They have a Iowa Hawkeyes thong! Shannon would love a UNI one I bet, since she's going there next... but right now she's at Hawkeye Community College... a Hawkeye Community College thong? That's just trashy!"
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Queer Eye For The Straight Guy Quotes:
Carson: Where did you get that shirt from?
Jon (Straight guy): K-Mart
Carson: Don't ever use that kind of language in front of me!
(Holding up a pair of underware) Carson: Uh oh, there must have been an accident here. I see skid marks.
Adam: Wow I look like Ben Aflack!
Carson: You look like Ben and Jerry Aflack
Carson: You look like a million dollars! Canadian dollars... but a million dollars.
Carson: What did JC say about these? (Holding up wire hangers)? Not Jesus Christ, but Joan Crawford. NO WIRE HANGERS!
Carson: Do you know any gay people?
John: No. Well, I think the woman who lives across from me is a lesbian.
Carson: Yeah? What's her name?
John: I think her name is Brenda?... Do you know her?
Carson: Brenda the lesbian. Oh Right, doesn't she play softball?
Carson: (while flipping through a bunch of hockey jerseys on hangers with names like Gretzky) I don't recognize ANY of these countries.
Adam: They're players
Carson looks perplexed, shakes head and expresses no comprehension
Adam: Hockey players
Carson: Nope, not registering
Carson: (Finds a pink box in a teenager's closet) The pink box of many teenagers... guess what!?! You're adopted! Ha ha! Just kidding ha ha that's not funny. I'm sorry..
Carson: You kno why they call if mock turtleneck? Because people mock you when you wear it.
Jai: You might not have noticed it, but that girl is giving him serious body language the she's not interested
Carson: Honey, Ray Charles would have noticed it
Carson: The security tag is still on, that's a little too Winonna Ryder for me
Carson: Somewhere in Omaha there's a rave missing a rave
Carson: Only kids and whores red shoes
Carson: Ew! Ew! I stuck my hand in the crack of the sofa, and it's nothing but a big hairball back there!
Kyan: If you can actually carve your name into the bottom of the bathtub, you probably need to clean it.
Ted: Life's too short to drink cheap booze
Carson: What a difference a gay makes!
Thom: This room is just... stupid!
"Is it just me, or does that guy who plays Shaggy in the Scooby Doo movies the spitting image of Shaggy from the cartoon? I know that was the point when they cast him, but seriously- he looks just like him. And, he sounds just like him. And he walks just like him.
The actor's name is Matthew Lillard. He played a teenager in Hackers in 1995. And he's STILL a teenager 9 years later. If this guy doesn't get an Oscar, there's no justice.
And don't even get me started on that giant dog!" - tshirthell dude
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Max X Quotes
(So funny, it deserved it's own spot on my site!)
"Boy: After I hit my head I was in a 6 hour coma.
Announcer Dude: A 6 hour coma? Dude, that was a nap!"
"(Man sticks head in Aligator's mouth, Aligator bites down)
Announcer Dude: While he was in the gator's mouth, he found out something he never knew.
Guy: He breathed on me and I smelt bad breath."
"The sloth, he hardly does anything... he sleeps 15-20 hours a day, you know, like your roomate. Unlike your roomate, a sloth doesn't each much."
"Hunting brings out that worst in male chimps, they're all pumped up with testosterone, like Raider fans."
"Just think about a Camodoe (dragon)'s life, you're at the top of the food chain, you're hanging out and fighting with your dragon homies, you're face deep in goat guts, ah, it don't get no better than this."
"(Man falls down a huge ski slope)
Woman: Oh no!
Announcer Dude: Oh yes!
Woman: Oh Jesus!
Announce Dude: Oh Buddah!"
"One fish, two fish, red fish, doofus."
"That's a grade A b**chin Max X mullet!"
"We all wanna see Japanese men in butt floss!"
"They lasso the bull and pull out the heavy artillary, a shot gun and a cigarette."
"All liquored up and ready to operate heavy machinary."
"Fake weddings are nothing to laugh about, without them, our favorite entertainers couldn't stay in the closet."
"Tieing the knot, and cutting off the circulation."
"Men are from Mars, and Mars attacks!"
"We've got cold feet and an uncontrollable rash."
"We're not only cheatin' death, we're takin it's wallet."
"Hey, what's eatin' him? Oh yeah, about 7 lions."
"On the cutting edge of cutting edge things."
"Max X, where woman and children have to wait just like everyone else."
"We went to a fight, and a hockey game broke out."
"Jugglers, one step up from mimes on the ladder of coolness."
"The irnoy's so thick you can cut it with... an irony cutting device."
"Sure-fire born to lose recipe- take 1 sled, mix in a pile of rocks, add one Canadian."
"Like a lot of fun things, don't try this at home.."
"At the Max-X hotel, checkout time is 1 PM, butt-kickin time is now."
"Got a 7,000 pound elephant in your mud hole? Call elephant rotor!"
"Nothing says 'save me' more than being stuck in a frozen lake."
"Mouth to mouth resuscitation, our specialty."
(Pigs get freed from a truck) "The police get the pigs safely to the slaughter-house."
"It's only funny until someone loses a finger, then it's friggin hilarious."
"If you're happy and you know it, smash your head."
"I think I can, I think I can. What the heck, who am I kiddin?"
"Don't touch that dial, you dunno where it's been."
"A tiskit, a taskit, a friggin flaming casket."
(Guy burns hair off instead of cuts hair off) "You'd think this would turn into one big Michael Jackson Pepsi Commercial gone bad."
"Don't count your chickens, till they're served with dipping sauce."
"Max X, the razor blade in your Halloween apple."
"There's nothing more annoying than a yappity lap dog, we dunno what breed it is, but we think it's a 'kick me'."
"Thanks to the cop, the mut is set free to roam the neighborhood and bit the kids."
"The dogs keep multiplying, like Osmands or something."
"Fur is murder... but so soft and elegant."
"We get the monkey off our back and into the water filtration system where it belongs."
"(Bird gets stuck on top of church) Here's the church and here's the steeple, here's the bird that crapped on the people."
"British firemen try to rescue a hamster, it's like pulling british teeth."
"We tell the touching stories and the inappropriate touching stories."
"If rubbin' a cow is wrong, we don't wanna be right."
"It's the day before Christmas and this guy is bitter, his lights were stolen by some friggin critter. So he stole the lights, all red, green, and blueish, we think the chances are, this squirrel is Jewish."
"We're all god's creatures, some of us are just higher on the food chain than others."
(Guy with little knife in hand) "That ain't no prize from a cracker jack box."
"Max X, the magazine show you hide under your bed."
"Fire in the hole! Oh wait, there's people in that hole!"
"Max X- We're the show that's freaky to circus people."
"Max X- We're the soar that you got at your friends bacelor party."
"(Falling rocks) Sticks and stones might break our bones but this crap'll kill ya!"
"What do you do in Iowa when you're bored cow tippin? U go car tippin!"
"Max X- Smash mouth TV for guys who like to get smashed... in the mouth."
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Deep Thoughts.. with Jack Handey
'When I looked up at the scoreboard, there were 15 seconds left. It seemed like plenty of time, but it wasn't. Before I could get to the restroom, I had wet my pants.'
'It's true that everytime you hear a bell, an Angel gets it wings. But what they didn't tell you is that everytime you hear a mousetrap snap, an Angel sets on fire.'
'I like to laugh at old people as they slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, then I think to myself, what if I was an ant... and they fell on me? It wouldn't be so funny then...'
'If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.'
'Too bad you can't buy a voo doo globe so you could make the earth spin really fast and freak everyone out.'
'If you ever catch on fire try to avoid looking in the mirror because I bet that would really throw you into a panic!''
'When I was a kid, my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, And every once in a while he'd eat one of us.It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.'
'Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someones neck and the guy screams and tries to get it off,I have to laugh because what was that thing.'
'I couldn't believe it! Someone had stolen my new sled! My bran new all-white sled,with the runners I painted white and the white tow-rope and my name written on the top, in white. I asked all of my so-called-friends which one of them took it, but they all denied it. Finally, in the spring, right after the snow melted, the thief brought it back to where I had left it.'
'It makes me mad when people say I turned and ran like a scared rabbit. Maybe it was like an angry rabbit, who was running to go fight in another fight, away from the first fight."
A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby."
'If you're robbing a bank and your pants fall down, I think it's okay to laugh and let the hostages laugh too, because, c ome on... life is funny.'
'It takes a big man to cry, but it tkae a bigger man to laugh at that man.'
"If you ever drop your keys in a river of molten lava, let em go cause man they're gone!"
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Whos Line Is It Anyway Quotes
'9 out of 10 Americans believe that out of the 10 people, 1 person will always disagree with the other 9' - Colin Mochrie
'We're expecting a lot of rain in the state of Oregon, so let's just get rid of Oregon.' -Ryan Stiles
'I can't sprinkle sprinkles on. I lose control when I have sprinkles. I'm shaky. I still remember the great sprinkle accident of 1982.' - Ryan Stiles
'If I could rap, that would be a sensation, but I can't, you see, I'm just a Caucasian.' -Ryan Stiles
'You're just a chicken, but what the cluck?' -Ryan Stiles
'If Sting retires, will his name be changed to Stung?' - Colin Mochrie
'Please call your second witness, and then call your mother, she worries.' - Colin Mochrie
'Arizona changes its state motto to Dang, it's hot!' - Greg Proops
'Who's Line.. the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter... just like tasteful shoes to Ryan Stiles. Was that applause? I couldn't hear it over Ryan's shoes.' - Drew Carrey
'Drew- On the Drew Carrey show, Ryan and I have been totally naked.
Ryan- Of course, some of us needed a wide-angled lense.
Drew- And some of us needed a zoom.'
'Drew- Yes, the wonderful country of Africa.
Greg- And if you took geography, you'd know Africa's a continent.'
'What do you get when a smurf relieves himself on your lawn? Bluegrass!' - Ryan Stiles
'Many people think it's in bad taste to advertise for an insane asylum, but come on down... we're going crazy!'- Colin Mochrie
Colin Mochrie Interview- "The camera adds ten pounds, takes 4 inches off your height, and doesn't always photograph hair. So fans are startled meeting a 6'2 bronze god with an afro."
"Shakespare said 'All the world's a stage'. I say all of you are crap!" -Colin M.
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Funny Pictures
The old pics were getting... well... old, new ones coming soon! 
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